Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Allergies SUCK

Did you know that there is supposedly a tool at the ER specifically for removing cue balls from people's mouths? This tool is apparently necessary because even though it is, allegedly, easy to get the cue ball IN to your mouth, getting it out proves to be impossible because your tongue isn't strong enough to push it out and your fingers can't get enough of a grip, even if they had the room, on the slimy spit-covered ball to pull it out. Now, I say supposedly, apparently, allegedly, etc. because I'm 99% sure my husband told me this and he enjoys telling me random shit like that that isn't always necessarily true or accurate.

I started thinking about this last night when I turned over for the twenty-seventh time to make the stuff clogging up one side of my head drain over to the other side -- you know, just to shake things up a little -- and was relieved that I'd found a comfortable position to breathe through my wide-open mouth.  Then I started thinking about how if it wasn't comfy, I'd basically stop breathing and be dead because of my stupid allergies. Which led me to thinking: If you did get a cue ball stuck in your mouth and you started panicking and, therefore, possibly crying, wouldn't you start to drown/suffocate from not being able to breathe through your runny/stuffy nose? Which would then probably bring on more crying and runny/stuffy nose issues? I know if this ever happened to me I would be freaking the fuck OUT! Probably more because I would be pissed at myself for wasting a trip to the ER for something so amazingly stupid and because I wouldn't be able to resist telling my friends who would then never let me live it down. Not that I would ever let one of them live something as hilarious as that down, either. But that's just the kind of good friend I am.

Another couple of thoughts... I know plenty of stupid people, and yet I've never heard of any of them having had the privilege of having this tool used on them. My friend Brenda used to refer to the clueless kids who would stare off in to space with blank looks on their faces as "mouth-breathers" and I'm starting to think a few of them could have been just the type to grow up and try this. (Note: For those of you thinking I was being a mouth-breather just because I had to have my mouth open to breathe last night, you are wrong.  I was not being a mouth-breather out of stupidity, I was just trying to stay ALIVE. Way to be an asshole, asshole.) Is this cue-ball-stuck-in-the-mouth thing really that often an occurrence that a special tool was invented for it?  If they fit in the mouth, aren't they quite likely to fit and be put in to other orifices? (Really makes you want to go play pool, doesn't it?) Are there some ERs that don't keep one of these on hand? Do they even need more than one on hand? Isn't it possible that they are just saying it's a special tool, but in actuality they are just borrowing forceps from Labor and Delivery? And, most importantly, will my insurance cover this?

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